The fear of losing control is the strongest human motivator. Control is the master addiction. It is not lack of courage that keeps us from moving forward, as most people think, it is the fear of losing control. We want to control, and when we feel we can't, we freeze, we stop. The person who fears loss of control is like a deer caught in the headlights: instead of running off the highway to safety, it stops in its tracks.
What you are really saying in this struggle for control is, "I'm fearful that I won't succeed." In a very subtle way, that fear is a form of atheism because it tells you, "There is no God to help you." You move into doubt and you freeze again.
Spiritual Warriors turn doubt into a tool. They don't attempt to control it, but they refuse to let it control them. They use it the same way as you use a guard rail when you are on a highway running along side a steep cliff: To mark the boundary between the road and the void. As soon as you feel the doubt, move back in until you find yourself once more on firm ground."
May Grace pick you up and may the blessings manifest in full form all around you.
Painting by W S Hazeltine